*Pick one concept from the assigned reading that you found useful or interesting and discuss it.
I found the pattern of spirals as a dysfunctional pattern to be very interesting. I have an experience that is very personal, but I feel comfortable sharing it.
I was married at age 19 to a man who was ten years older than me. We had our first child when I was 20 and a second when I was 22. I thought we had a good marriage with all of the usual things that go along with relationships. We had our disagreements, disappointments, and fights, but I felt that we were both willing to work through them by communicating with one another.
A few years had gone by and we began to fight about little things and then I began to question my husband’s late nights at work. I suspected he was having an affair, but didn’t want to assume. When I did ask him he would become very upset and tell me that he was working extra hours so that we could save money and couldn’t believe that I was thinking he was having an affair. I would then feel like a huge ass for thinking such horrible things. I really beat myself up about it.
Well, these conversations continued for many months and caused much heartache, distance, distrust, and confusion for me. I didn’t know what to think, feel, or believe. My gut feeling was telling me that he was having an affair, but he adamantly denied it every time. I felt like I was going crazy and loosing my mind! My husband’s actions ~ nonverbal behavior did not match his verbal denials of an affair. I would go back and forth about my feelings of punishing myself for accusing him, but my inner voice was telling me that something wasn’t right.
Sadly, on a cold November day when I was at home I got a phone call from a girl named Lisa telling me that she was a good Christian and could not bear to continue this affair with my husband. I was devastated, horrified, angry, and hurt. I called my husband at work and asked that he please come home so we could talk. He did and I confronted him about what I had just heard and he denied the entire thing. So, I called this girl and asked her to come over to my house so that we talk and didn’t tell my husband that she would be there when he got home from work. (I had my sister come and get the kids). He then admitted the affair and we all talked. Just thinking about this is exhausting! My husband and I separated six months later and have co-parented our children. We have become good friends and have beyond our past. It wasn’t easy!
So, my question is: Did I cause my husband to cheat by accusing him of having an affair? Was I driving him away from me as suggested in our text? Is this an example of regressive spiral or interpersonal self-fulfilling prophecy? Or did my husband choose to have an affair regardless of my gut feelings and my question?
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2 comments:
WOW!!!!! Thanks for being brave enough to share your story with total strangers. Im so sorry to hear that :( According to chapter 6 what you experienced was Regressive Spiral, which is that Leslie accused Toby of being unfaithful and Toby gets defensive and denies it, but the denial only increases Leslies' suspicion and then when you found out the truth from that phone call from the mistress this is Interpersonal Self-Fullfilling prophecy which is the fact that he was indeed cheating and that your intuition has become true. What your husband did was obviously wrong and who really know if he would have done it whether or not you guys tried to stop the spiral either by counseling or analyzing things.
I am very impressed with you: thank you for being so open and putting yourself out there like that. I am glad you have moved on & no longer have to put up with that kind of emotional abuse. I do not think you drove your husband to have an affair-- It was not your fault. This has reminded me to listen to that little voice in the back of your head that is so strong.
Thanks again for you blog!
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